I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
