he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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