I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
FUCK WHALES
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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