I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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