I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
