sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
