You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
