Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
