shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
