My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
