I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
