I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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