I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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