none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Did you just see the Batmobile???
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it glows. i had to have it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
