I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
