It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
