That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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