she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
