The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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