fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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