i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
