I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
