Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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