I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
