There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
