I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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