I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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