Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
