you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
