I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Alive.
So much puke
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
