there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
