____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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