Moan for me like Helen Keller
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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