What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
