dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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