please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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