I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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