i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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