my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
These tits shall not be calmed
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
