If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
