ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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