Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
