You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
