Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
