How'd it feel making her break her religion?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
