my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
