My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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