I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
