I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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