My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
