Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
