he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
