There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
