she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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