It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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