How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
