that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
